Ep #9: Emotional Resiliency

You are listening to The Life Coach Business Podcast, Episode 9.

Welcome to The Life Coach Business Podcast, a show for coaches who are ready to up-level their business and take their impact, leadership, and results to a whole new level. If you’re ready to start taking powerful action and become the leader your business needs in order to grow and thrive, this show is for you. I’m your host, Amanda Karlstad, certified life and business coach, and entrepreneurial leadership expert. Now, let’s get down to business.

Hello, and welcome, everyone. Thanks so much for tuning in, so glad to have you join me today. Super excited to talk to you all again today. I am really looking forward to today’s topic. And it’s something that’s been on my mind since I started this podcast, so I’m excited to finally be able to talk to you all about it.

That topic is emotional resiliency. I believe it’s a super important topic, especially if you’re a solopreneur. Before we dive in, I just want to take a moment and tell you all how excited I am about 2020. I hope you guys are excited, too.

I am super-excited, because I’ve been doing so much work behind the scenes, and creating so many new things that I’ve been implementing with some of my current clients, so many things that are helping them accelerate their results and support them at such an even deeper and higher level, that I’m just so excited for what they’re creating and for what’s in store next year. It’s going to be amazing, so stay tuned.

All right, so let’s talk about emotional resiliency, y’all. Are you ready to talk about this? I am so ready to talk about this topic. And, you know, for me emotional intelligence and emotional resiliency, it’s been one of those things that, you know, when I look back on my own journey and look at, you know, everything that I’ve been through in terms of my career, before launching my coaching practice, all of that, I have to say that emotional intelligence and emotional resiliency has contributed tremendously to my growth and to my success over the years.

And, when I think about this path, emotional resiliency is absolutely in my top-three list of characteristics that I would attribute my success. And when I look at other successful people in business, whether it’s in entrepreneurship, or even in sports, in life, right, it’s something that I think everyone that’s in that type of position can say they’ve pretty much figured out. It’s something that I see across the board that I think really attributes to their success.

And, you know, I wanted to bring this to you today, because it’s one of those things that for my listeners, I know so many of you are looking to build and scale your coaching or consulting business, and you want to build it to either a six, and many of you to a seven-figure level, you know, emotional resiliency, this is one of those things that is a must, okay?

What I mean by that is, as in this is a requirement, it’s really a non-negotiable. And it’s a non-negotiable in the sense that, you know, I’ve never seen anyone grow to that type of level in their own journey without having developed some sense of emotional resiliency.

Because the truth of the matter is that if you want to grow a successful business, and let’s just say to that six- or seven-figure mark, you have to cultivate emotional resiliency within yourself, period. I really don’t see a way around it.

And, I believe that if it’s something that you don’t figure out, something that you don’t put intention behind, the chances of you getting to that level, you know, getting to that six or seven-figure level that you really want, it’s going to be pretty tough. And, you know, if you’re not cultivating this, if this isn’t something you’re putting intention on, it’s going to take you a lot longer to get there, and it probably will be a lot more painful for you in the process.

Because what happens is, is when you’re able to develop a level of emotional resilience, you’re able to manage yourself so much more effectively through the process and through the inevitable challenge that you’re facing as you’re building a business.

You know, and when you think about your business growing, and as I see my clients and their business growing, and my own business growth, you know, once you start to hire and manage team members, this is also where it comes in. You have to have emotional resilience. In fact, you can’t lead others effectively without it.

And, I remember, you know, when I was in the corporate space, coaching leaders and high potential employees, this was absolutely a characteristic that all of them have. It’s absolutely something to pay attention to, right? Because you can’t lead others effectively without it.

So, if you’re in a position right now and you’re leading a business where, you know, you’re thinking about and you’re assessing yourself and your own leadership capability, really look at this, right? Because no matter where you’re at, developing emotional resiliency and understanding the importance of having just emotional intelligence in your life is one of those things that’s going to set you apart. And it’s going to help you be a more effective leader for yourself, right? For your team, but just in how you show up in yourself-leadership every day.

So I want to talk about why this is, and give you some tips on how you can work to cultivate it in your own life.

All right, so I want to start out by defining emotional resiliency. Here’s how I would define it. Emotional resiliency, to me, is your ability to adapt to circumstances in your life, okay? It’s really your ability to adapt to how we perceive, you know, situations that are stressful, or maybe even crises that we’ve run into, right?

Being emotionally resilient allows you to move through challenges effectively, and it allows you to better adapt to adversity that you face, right? And it keeps you on course, right?

So, I like to think of it as, you know, being able to roll with the punches, but, you know, in a way that’s productive and effective, and in a way that serves you, right? Allows you to deal with stress and difficulty with ease and grace.

And, you know, we’ve all heard the term thick skin, and I think there’s really something to that, right? It’s being in a place of emotional resiliency, so you can react to a situation or circumstance in a way that doesn’t completely throw you off course, right? In a way that allows you to keep moving forward, and allows you to not stall and not give up.

And, I mean, you can even think of this in the same way that, you know, for instance, raindrops, right? When we think of raindrops falling off of a raincoat, it’s, you know, why do we wear a raincoat? It’s resilient, right? So we don’t get wet. And, you know, the rain doesn’t permeate the fabric of a raincoat. It’s resilient. It’s prepared for the water, right?

So, rather than the rain seeping in and soaking through, you know, let’s just assume it’s a light rain, okay, here. You know, think about that. When you’ve seen that happen, those raindrops, they just settle on that raincoat, right? They just tend to sit on the fabric. They’re just, kind of in a sense, with it, right? And they’re not damaging anything.

And to me, that’s the same with being emotionally resilient. It’s a characteristic, it’s a way of being, that, you know, when things come up, when circumstances appear that you weren’t expecting, it’s about being able to be with whatever does come up, okay? To be able to process it effectively.

You know, to me, it’s about thinking about things from a solutions-focused perspective, okay? Not just simply reacting out of heightened emotion, but learning to, you know, know, through that emotional intelligence, that there’s a choice, instead, on how to react to whatever that situation is.

And I think one of the most important characteristics of being emotionally resilient is being able to co-exist with those challenges that come up. You know, being able to coexist with the challenge, with the hardship. You know, whatever it is that’s perceived as tough, and being able to approach it from a much clearer and level-headed, neutral place.

And it’s understanding that the challenge, the hardship, whatever it is, that in reality, it’s all just neutral. It’s not letting your emotions get the best of you. And it’s managing your emotions in a way that allow you to see it for what it is and not create any meaning, or unnecessary drama about it.

This is huge, y’all. It’s one of those things in life that will take you so much farther when you’ve developed it. When you’ve got it, and when you apply it in your life.

Some of us are just more naturally inclined to have it, right? It’s easier for us when we’re faced with challenges, when we’re faced with adversity, when we’re faced with something hard, that we’re able to move through it more effectively, We’re able to move with the punches, move through the punches more effectively, more easily, right? We’re not getting knocked off course.

But for others, I know it’s something that can really slow you down, when you’re not as resilient to the challenges that come up. And I see this a lot, especially with newer entrepreneurs, especially the ones that haven’t practiced, or, you know, developed this in their lives before they’re stepping into starting a business.

And what usually happens, when you’re not in a state of being that’s emotionally resilient, is you’re in this space where you’re completely driven by your emotions, right? It’s like your emotions are in the driver’s seat. And when the emotions are in the driver’s seat, it’s usually the ones that aren’t the ones keeping us on the road, right? They’re usually some of the most intense emotions that we face, right?

Just think about emotions like frustration, anger, disappointment, uncertainty, stress, anxiousness, right? Think about times when you’ve had those emotions. What ends up happening is when we allow our emotions to be in the driver’s seat, especially if we’re trying to build a business, we end up stalling out, and we get stuck and stay stuck.

And, what happens quickly when you’re not in this emotionally resilient place, we tend to perpetuate the cycle. And it’s because we’re being driven by the emotions, rather than living from a place where we’re unhooked from them, right? When we’re hooked into them, what happens is that everything we experience, we start filtering through this emotion.

And what ends up happening is we create more of it in our life, more of it in our business. And so this is why if, especially if you’re an entrepreneur, it’s something you want to develop. Because when you start stepping into this new reality, when you step into entrepreneurship, everything is likely going to be new to you. And we all have expectations for how we think things should go.

You know, for example, I remember when I first launched my business. I thought, “Hey, this is going to be relatively easy, right?” I thought, “Okay, I’m going to get my certification. I’m going to launch my practice, and I’m going to have, you know, a full practice of clients in no time, right?”

I mean, I was coming from the thought process that, you know, I’ve been coaching for years, you know, so I was very comfortable in the coaching role. I’ve been in startup environments for years, so I understand, you know, what it takes to build a business from the ground up. I’ve also been managing extremely large sales-and-marketing budgets and teams in the millions of dollars each year. So, you know, I was used to having some pressure, all right? I was used to living in that type of environment.

So, when I was looking at my business and thinking about how this was all going to go down, I thought, you know, in comparison to what I’ve done, hey, this was going to be easy, right? And I remember that I thought, “Okay, I’m going to earn this certification. I’m, you know, going to launch my practice, I’m going to step out and it’s boom.” Like, I’m going to be rolling, right? I’m going to have this full practice, full roster of clients in no time. I’m off to the races,

But what quickly happened, and what I was, you know, quite abruptly faced with, was all of the things that I wasn’t anticipating. Things like the inevitable identity shift that I talk about, right? Where I had to go through moving from this identity of a corporate leader, right, of a corporate employee, into an entrepreneur.

And so, that meant, you know, all the things that I was used to having support on, right, having a team, being able to delegate things to, right, none of that existed. And I had to quickly, you know, become the creative team. I had to become the tech team, right?

I had to, you know, at the same time, put processes in place, you know, understand what back-end systems I needed, implement them, learn them, right? Put them all together, fit them all together. And, you name it, I was doing it, and it was taking a lot longer than I had originally expected.

And I think this is pretty much the case when you choose to step into a situation like this, right? You know, that safety net of having the resources, of having team members you rely on, of, you know, having existing processes and systems in place, you know, even down to having that biweekly paycheck deposited into your account. None of that exists anymore, when you step into this world.

So, you know, it’s a very exciting place to be and the opportunities are completely unlimited. But it’s also a very complicated, and can quickly become a lonely, place, especially when you’re starting out.

And so this is where your emotional resiliency has to come in. Because when you’re faced with things not going as you’d hoped, or how you’d planned it, it’s subtle, but it’s really easy to fall into a level of thinking where you’re believing that you’re at the effect of your circumstances.

And what I mean by that is, you know, having the belief that you don’t have full responsibility or full control of your outcomes, of the results that you have in your business. And instead, it’s putting your energy and it’s putting blame on external things, right? On something outside of yourself, with no real ownership, not taking that true responsibility for the creation of the results that you have.

And I find this can be so insidious, even when you’ve been in this work, when you’ve studied it. You know, even when you know intellectually that you do have full control of your results, it still tends to creep in.

And, I’ve seen that it doesn’t matter what industry you’re in, or what profession it is, or what you even do in the world. You know, emotional resilience is something that when you don’t have it, or when you haven’t developed it, you always stay stuck in the same loop and you’re looking externally, and you’re not taking full ownership, and reacting to situations in your life, right? Rather than deciding how you want to manage yourself, and how you want to perceive things, and how you want to experience your life.

So, if you’re in the entrepreneurship world today and you want to be successful in that world, this is, hands down, something you have to develop. You have to have an awareness as to what your current level of emotional resiliency is.

And, you know, I really want you guys to be honest with yourselves about this. Be honest with yourself about where you’re at. Because if it’s a situation where you’re not where you want to be, then get real about it and get help, or start doing the work to get you there, okay?

Because here’s the thing. The road to success is going to be paved with failure. It just is. And that means the only way to succeed is to fail. But here’s the catch with all of this. The only reason we do things or we don’t do things is because of how we think or perceive how it’s going to make us feel.

So, as humans, we’re always seeking pleasure. We’re literally hardwired to always work to avoid pain at all costs, i.e. failure at all costs. But the reality is, is that if you’re trying to build a business, you’re going to experience failure. There will not be success without failure.

So, having this higher emotional resiliency is going to help you bounce back after you’ve had the setback, after you’ve been faced with the challenge, and it’s going to help you deal with and move through things in such a more effective way.

It’s a requirement if you want to build and lead a successful business, 100% without a doubt. Because with having higher emotional resiliency, it’s not only going to help you in your day to day, but also when you experience those hair on fire, those, you know, defining moments in your life and in your business.

And remember that your emotional state dictates the quality of your actions. So, if you’re not spending time doing high-quality actions, because you’re in a negative or unproductive emotional state, your outcomes are going to suffer.

And I hate to break it to you, but those actions or inactions is what is adding up right now, that’s creating the level of results that you have. So, take a look at your results right now. That’s a complete reflection of your current level of emotional resiliency.

So, if you’re thinking “Yeah, this is great. I understand this, right, intellectually, but how?” Let’s talk about this. Because I believe that emotional resiliency is something that you can develop. And it starts with having an awareness, first, to where you’re at.

So, take an honest look at how well you’ve been managing yourself emotionally, and look at it objectively. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Even if you know you have work to do, just take an objective look at it. And understand that challenges are always going to be there, right? Understand that challenges are going to be inevitable. So look at the expectations you’re having.

And, you know, I think a really important piece to all of this is, you know, not pretending that things don’t happen, right, being real about the circumstances, about the actual facts.

And, I think one of the most effective ways to develop this, if this is something that you find doesn’t come natural to you, is to use what I call a reframe. And what I mean by this is learning to look at the situation from a different perspective. Because what happens is, is cognitively, we get really stuck. We get really stuck in the neck up, right? And in the meaning that we’re associating with things.

So, let me give you an example, and I’ll just use an example from the coaching industry. Let’s just say that maybe you’re a certified coach, and you’ve done the work, you’ve been through the process. You’re now certified, and you’ve invested a lot of time, a lot of money into your certification and you’re thinking, or maybe you thought, you know, “Hey, I’m good to go.” And maybe you’ve worked with a few clients and you’ve done some work and, you know, you’re kind of in that process of getting the foundation of your business built.

And, chances are you’ve probably been working a lot of hours, you’ve been working really hard, you’ve been investing a lot of time and, you know, doing what you think are all the right things to be doing. But, for whatever reason, you just haven’t been able to figure it out, right? Things just aren’t coming together for you. You just haven’t been, you know, quite as successful as you would have hoped.

And, you know, because of this, let’s just say that, you know, because you’re newer in the journey, and, you know, you are still trying to piece things together, you don’t really have a solid marketing strategy in place, okay? And you don’t have the number of clients that you want, and you’re just not at the level of revenue that you want, and you’re feeling frustrated.

And what tends to happen is from there is, you start to develop stories, right? Certain narratives about yourself, about your business. And, you know, they all start around the same level of thinking that, you know, “I’ll never be able to figure things out. “Right? This is never going to work, right? “I’m not cut out for this.” Right?

And it’s because of that story, the meaning that you’ve associated to that circumstance, to the result that you have in your business that you’re then stalled out, and you start to question everything that you’re doing, right? And you get off course.

And what happens usually from there is, you start looking at what everyone else is doing. You start doing what I call throwing spaghetti at the wall, trying to do everything, but, you know, the reality is ending up with nothing. And meanwhile, all of it is actually moving you further and further away from your original goal. That’s the reality.

So, this is where the power of the reframe can come in. Where the power of being emotionally resilient can come in, right? So instead of living in a state of frustration and, you know, replaying the story and accepting the story that things are never going to work out, that you don’t have what it takes, that you’ll never be successful, it’s shifting that narrative, shifting that internal dialogue in a way that also shifts your emotional state. It’s shifting it so you can move into that more resilient emotional state.

And, you know, this is something that neuroscientists, in fact, have proven that the work of reframing, this practice of shifting the narrative, this cognitive work of shifting your thoughts, it’s been proven to slow down your emotional response, to slow down that emotional stress that’s triggered by your thoughts, which then gives you more capacity to think more clearly and to respond in a more emotionally resilient manner.

So, here are some questions I would encourage you to use if you know this is something that you need to work on. If, you know, things just aren’t going as planned and you realize that you’ve been living at the effect of your emotions. And here are some questions that you can use to really help you with that reframe, okay?

So question number one is, you know, how much is this really going to matter a year from now? You know, even think five years or even 10 years from now. What is the opportunity within the failure? How is this actually meant for me? What can I learn from this? And even asking, what else could this mean?

Take some time to really process this. Ask yourself these questions. I find journaling can be very, very powerful with an exercise like this. Find what works for you. Understand that when you’re faced with the inevitable challenges, when you’re faced with adversity, you can take the time and decide on purpose how you want to respond, how you want to react.

So, I really encourage you to use these questions and, you know, work to become someone who manages their emotions, someone who is emotionally resilient. It’s a way of being, my friends. All right, y’all. I hope you have an amazing week. I’ll talk to you all again very soon. Take care. Bye-bye.

Hey, before you go, I have something amazing I want to share with you. To celebrate the launch of the show, I’m going to be giving away three free VIP Strategy Sessions where I’ll be diving deep into your business and helping you put a strategy in place for the next 90 days, so you have a real game plan on how to create results in your business, and finally gain momentum.

I’m going to be giving away one free VIP Strategy Session, the same VIP Strategy Session I offer to all of my highest-level clients, to three lucky listeners who subscribe, rate, and review this show on Apple Podcasts. Visit amandakarlstadcoaching.com/podcastlaunch to learn more about the contest and how to enter. I’ll be announcing the winners on the show in an upcoming episode. Thanks so much.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Life Coach Business Podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build, grow and scale your business and accelerate your results, visit amandakarlstadcoaching.com.